My Friends and I

I could feel the feelings sinking into me again as I crunches through the leaves. Well, they never truly left me. There’s always that emptiness there. Right in the middle of my chest, cold and heavy and unmoving. It was like a knife stuck on the inside, twisting and wedging itself deeper into my heart every time I took a breath. The animal, that’s eating away at my soul, was always hungrier when I was alone. It could sense how alone I truly felt. As I walked and walked, the weight in my heart grew heavier and heavier and the knife was driven deeper and deeper into my heart. It was getting harder to breath with every step I took, but I had to keep walking. A twig snapped under my foot and birds flew, squawking. A chill went down my spine as the wind blew my hood off my head. Something was different about this night, there was a certain scent in the air. A certain darkness was waiting, promising that something was going to happen.

Now the demons started talking again. They are really into it tonight, they spoke harsh words of wisdom into my head. They told me what I needed to do. They are the ones that tell me my flaws, my weaknesses, how worthless I am, who my friends are, what to say, and most importantly what to do. They are my only words. They are my everything.

I had to keep walking. They told me I had to.

I needed to get to that place they always told me about. The one I dream about. I couldn’t get it out of my mind, my thoughts. How could I? It’s the place I wanted to go to the most. I would please them if I did. That’s all I ever wanted to do was to please them.

I had stopped feeling long ago. I had lost the knowledge of how to be kind. At one point I knew, I remember what it was like to laugh, the feeling of love in my heart, but now there was nothing in me but blackness. The darkness sucked all the warmth out of me, drained it away until all there was left was a cold dead heart. Nothing good ever came out of loving someone or caring for anyone, it left you with nothing but a never ending ache in the middle of your chest, the slow internal bleeding that never fully heals.

I dragged my hand over the rough bark of the tree as I passed.

Keep walking.

I listened to the noises around me: the trickling stream, the hooting owl, and the distant howl of a wolf. Everything was splashed in a silver moonlight. It was a perfect night for death. I inhaled the scent of the wilderness. Meanwhile the voices were telling me what directions to take and reminded me that everyone would thank me after it was done.

Turn right.

I turned away from the stream and headed into the darkest part of the forest. I couldn’t see anymore but I didn’t mind, I liked the dark. I was not afraid. I didn’t feel anything. I was empty. I was nothing.

As I walked my eyes adjusted to the blackness so I started to be able to see the outlines of trees. I wove back and fourth between the trees on my way to my place. I could not complain about the long walk, that would make them angry. I could not speak because that would upset them. All I could do was walk until they told me to stop. I didn’t mind this though, I liked working for them.

I felt the pain start to leak throughout my body. It eased itself down into my stomach and spread across the veins in my arms, down to my figure tips. It crept down my legs to my toes. It snaked it’s way around my neck making its way towards my brain. Breathing was getting difficult. I was hungry for what was going to happen next.

It’s dead ahead, in the clearing.

I saw it. The clearing. I knew that was my place they were talking about. My heart rate sped up not because of fear but with anticipation. I was almost there! Finally! I wanted to run so I could get there faster, but they told me I would get there soon enough and that I had to be patient. I kept walking.

Stop.

I stopped, I had arrived at last. A numbness had taken over me, but I didn’t care. I was where they wanted me to be.

Lay down.

I lowered myself to the ground. I smiled the first real smile in a long time as I laid down on the grass-covered ground to make them happy. I laid there and stared up at the silvery canopy of leaves over my head and waited for the darkness to take me. The darkness first crept into my toes and engulfed my legs so I could feel nothing. Then it slid up and around my hip and slowly sunk into my stomach and chest. Then it pinned my arms to the ground with no sympathy. Finally I felt it creep down my neck and into my heart. Just before the blackness swept over my head I heard the first and final words of praise from my only friends.

Well done.

Then I was gone forever.

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